i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
