Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
