Please, let me fuck your mom
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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