Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
