My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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