Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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