he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
