he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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