Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
