So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
