Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
