Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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