I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
