Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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