So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
