All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
