just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
