Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
