Can i not drive my cunt home
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
