im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
