you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
