There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
