I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
