giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
