Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
