I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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