I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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