Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
