My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
