Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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