Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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