So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
