a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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