sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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