It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
