If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
