someone threw a dead crab at me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
