return my video game
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
this hospital has no fireball
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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