I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
