Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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