Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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