also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
