the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
