JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
