You're my little dorito
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
