Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My ass is underappreciated
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
