the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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