I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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