dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
