my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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