I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
